A personal story
I remember when I first moved to Moab, Utah nearly 20 years ago when I was 22 years old. I was in a brand new, unknown place doing things I had never done before, sort of directionless and lost, thinking all I was was a collection of things that had happened in my past. I was here because I signed up and got accepted to do a short-term internship with the National Park Service, not out of passion (full capacity of my Being) but kind of half- consciously following a flicker of light within.
I was drawn to the adventure, yes, but I was so wrapped up in my story that I would let feelings of grief and victim hood overshadow the magnificence of where I was and what I was experiencing. I couldn't see past the boundaries of my self.
Then I had a moment to re-member (to link back up with) that catalyzed a lot for me and where I am today.
I remember sitting on the edge of a cliff one weekend by myself. I was on a drive, just exploring and found this incredible overlook outside of Canyonlands National Park. Now, I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but I didn't exactly care if I lived. I didn't care much about much except the most recent sudden death of my boyfriend, which made me spin into the other tragic losses of friends I'd experienced in high school and college. I was very enmeshed in grief, self-pity, loneliness, confusion about who I was. I abused my body and numbed out daily to keep my heart closed so I wouldn't feel too much.
I was limited in that I was only self-conscious, absorbed in self, and yet it struck me in that moment that somehow, I had ended up here in this beautiful place. My heart started to soften. I began to look out and think "wow." I thought I was finding yet another place to sulk and cry and after 15 or 20 minutes I was enveloped in wonder. The hard lines started to blur, the boundaries started to dissolve.
This place was big. Huge. Spacious. Vast. An incredible overlook much like the magnitude of the Grand Canyon. I realized I was just a speck. A particle in a vast sea of sky and earth, awe and wonder, beauty and creation. I was more nothing than something! I was nobody in the middle of nowhere in what felt like no time.
Despite my free will to choose self-pity, I realized something bigger than me had been organizing it all so that I would end up here, surrounded by nature, alive and free to choose.
I could have chosen not to see that, remaining unaware, but nature has a way, in its whole and coherent state in and of itself, to en-train your nervous system, to open your heart, to envelope you, embrace you, swallow you whole in its magnificence, to elevate your Being so you become tuned in to and aware of something beyond yourself - something bigger, some great something that is connected to everything else in some mysterious way that can only be felt, can only be experienced with the heart.
Intellectualizing, thinking and conceptualizing only takes you so far. Experiencing is for the heart, for the body, for the soul.
Helen Keller said, “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.”
My attention moved from being all consumed in my small self, my story, to way, way beyond myself. I seemed to dissolve into nothing and then connect with and sync up with everything. I went from somebody to nobody to everybody and my heart felt like it was going to explode. I was overcome with a love for life.
I was no longer crying tears of sadness and separateness, I was crying tears of oneness and togetherness.
While on the edge of that cliff I had had the thought, "Wow, I could jump, and this place would not care. It wouldn't get emotional, it wouldn't care, I can totally do that if I want. And yet, despite this neutrality, I'm alive, I ended up here, I'm not dead yet! and wow, no matter how much I abuse my body, no matter how much I keep f*ing up, it keeps on going... for me. For me?!"
I felt so loved and cared for.
I wondered, "Is this all happening for me rather than to me?"
I was enthralled with this contemplation. Nineteen years later I can connect with it and feel it right here and now. No separation - only oneness.
That was a transcendental moment.
At that time, I saw it as though nature didn't care if I jumped or not but now, I see that nature, God, that great something, that creative conscious intelligence, that loving awareness, that mysterious presence, (we have so many names for it) was allowing me to have my free will all the time. I got to choose every single moment how I was Being.
Moment by moment, we choose the story we tell, the thoughts we think, the feelings we feel, the way we walk through the world, the things we do, how we love, how we lead, how we step into or away from our power and our grace, whether we live half dead or half alive, whether we go through the motions never questioning anything or whether we commit and go All In with a sense of curiosity and commitment to whatever it is that speaks to our heart, whether we follow our bliss in love or turn away from it in fear or sometimes alternating between the two (raising my hand).
All of it is up to us.
In that moment, as I merged with that greater understanding, that greater consciousness, I felt an incredible sense of awe, love, and gratitude for my life and for how lovingly I've been held and carried to experience these opportunities... for me and for me to share with others in case it’s helpful in some way, in case it breathes oxygen into that pilot light in them so as to burn a little brighter.
I felt awake! Like I could see more clearly. My vision was crisper. I felt a hum, like I wasn't alone at all but in good company with some invisible yet tangible something. I felt energized - like a smile, wink and a nod had just been shared with me and, lucky for me, in what could only be a present moment, I was present enough to receive the message.
I was experiencing a re-membering. I was experiencing connection.
More insights have come from that moment - like how I can choose to live separate from it and work harder, push the river, feel alone, the weight of the world, stressed, forsaken, stuck in past woes, caught up in my past story, anxious about what's to come or I can merge with, work with, link up, sync up, connect with, pay attention to, become aware of, feel into this life force, this spirit, this intelligence, this consciousness and be amplified, elevated, lifted. I can drink deeply from the well of its benevolence and then experience life from a state of wholeness, oneness, union, connection, coherence… love, belonging, safety.
Isolate or connect?
Go alone or work with?
Give my attention to my past story or focus on the story I’m writing every moment with a clear vision of who I choose to em-body Being in my life?
Merge my will with a greater will or remain only self-conscious, living a half life?
To transcend means to go beyond the ordinary, beyond the common thought, belief or experience. I had no schooling in any of this then. It was a moment that found me; that became tattooed in the gray matter of my brain and is alive and well in my heart.
I’ve had many, many more of those moments since then. In fact, thanks to so many people, I dare say that they are my new normal. Incredible moments, extraordinary moments both enormous and subtle where I was present enough, open-hearted enough, open-minded enough to be moved by what was happening, curious enough to wonder and sense into “What is this? I want to pay attention to this. I want to become more of this.”
I believe this is innate in every one of us because we come from this consciousness and we carry the very pattern, the information for this kind of loving connection with nothing and everything. Like information that is in a seed of a rose. Where did that information come from? Out of seemingly nowhere, an impulse occurred where a sprout emerged and concentric patterns bloomed from the center of it, radiating out and taking us over in its beauty.
I like to think the center of the rose is just like the heart of each one of us, the center portal for that connection to everything else. Patterns within patterns of connection. Do you listen, connect with and act on the impulses of your heart?
Have you had moments like these? Can you conjure up one in your mind, in your heart and sense how that made you feel? It could be subtle, it could be huge, it could be somewhere in between, but I bet if you take a few slow, deep breaths in your heart space and open your heart to a feeling of care and curiosity, you’ll remember. Re-member; re-unite.
The heart is the door to a deep connection within our selves and with all others, with everything. By way of the heart, we can connect to coherent states of rhythm and order, balance and harmony; research actually shows this. The heart sends the signal to the brain that it’s safe to create, that it’s safe to receive information, that it’s safe to just Be Free to embrace all seasons of life, that they're all happening for us to learn from and respond to.
To me, that is adventure in its truest sense. To me, that is presence. That is God consciousness. That is being alive. To live heart-centered is sustaining an appreciation for life and all that comes with it. This is why I do what I do and am who I Am.
Nine years ago when I took my now husband to this place, he named it Sarah's point. A seed was sown that day nearly 20 years ago of new, more evolved understandings and again and again and again each time thereafter. Seeds grow, sprout, bloom, make new seeds with more evolved understandings, die and are born again anew, but the original pattern of love and oneness are in each seed, dormant until we connect with it and bring it to life with our attention. Nature does this so exquisitely. Can we learn to do the same?
It’s no wonder that when our now 7 year old was mere hours old we ran several names by her to see what would happen. When we spoke Rosanna, she cooed. Maybe that love pattern was in her and she connected with it? Maybe it was a coincidence? Or a synchronicity?
Moments are neither good or bad, they're just impactful. They leave an impression. What we end up doing with them is our choice. We get to choose the seeds we sow every moment... moment after moment.
Happy gardening. 🌹
Loving you,
Sarah 💗
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